This is the official tour report for the Edenbridge U9s recent tour of Bognor as participants of the Tigers Challenge 2014. It must be emphasised due to numerous references to Dominic Liggins that we recommend that this is for adult consumption only. Any decision to share this with your children or more importantly your wives (Dominic has requested that he be shared with your wives) is at your discretion and the author cannot be held liable for any trouble you get into as a result. The author is still holding true to the ‘what went on tour stays on tour’ philosophy and has assured his own wife that the children ate fruit and salad, cleaned their teeth and were in bed before 11.00pm and that under no circumstances was he drinking red wine and eating stilton at 1.00am in Lee and Dominic’s apartment on Sunday night. It must also be emphasised that any exaggeration is purely for comedic effect although Sunday evening’s events has not been embellished in any way at all and have in fact been toned down! Before we begin - on behalf of Zest Recruitment, Raj has asked me to tell you that the U7s won their event as he was concerned that his humble and quiet demeanour on Sunday evening may not have communicated this message to all – hence his desire to share this so intimately with security. Raj has asked that you pass this onto anyone and everyone you meet over the next couple of days.

The tour began with an easy drive down to Bognor (made all the easier by tail gating mark with his sat nav) better known as the Las Vegas of the Sussex coast and the simplest of check ins before getting to our salubrious accommodation tantalisingly called Pelican Row in Oyster Bay in which we were all housed or rather barracked for the weekend. To limit the word count we will refer to Pelican Row Oyster Bay as Stalag 14. As we had no wives with us, getting unpacked took 5 mins with suitcases acting as wardrobes for the weekend though care was taken storing the beer and wine in the fridge at the correct temperature. The rooms were of questionable quality with a rather suspicious carpet in ours which seemed to be intentionally designed to replicate any possible stain that could discolour it, though ours had failed to hide the pink feathers from the previous night’s hen party. The rooms were though quite ample for the limited time spent sleeping in them. Keen to be at our designated rendezvous time for the club at the Sports Bar we headed off full of enthusiasm and pockets full of £1 coins to entertain (bribe) the kids in the arcade (start collecting your £1 tour change now for next year). Heading along Stalag 14 we passed other excited parents and kids, keen to have escaped for the weekend. We also passed Blair, who, being a military man was already starting to dig a tunnel out until we reminded him that we were free to come and go with our green wristbands. While walking towards the Sports Bar we met Dominic sporting a ‘when in Bognor’ straw panama hat, which even the playboy of the U9s failed to pull off and his ‘partner’ for the weekend Lee pushing a trolley loaded with essentials. Our arrival at the Sports Bar saw a gathering of the Edenbridge clans and the widest collection of Edenbridge tops and shirts, some going back many years, ever assembled in one room. Our rather hap hazard appearance contrasting markedly with the Vikings of Braintree and the Kings and Queens of Worthing.
Led by Gareth, our illustrious Chairman, and keen on refreshments we all displayed an unusual amount of organisational skill and speed for Edenbridge RFC in hiring bowling lanes, booking pool tables, establishing ground rules and meeting points and distributing arcade money to the boys. Kids happy and kitty collected we all enjoyed a beverage and a toast to a fantastic weekend. A relaxed first night in the Sports Bar was only broken for a slap up meal for a lot of the boys at one of Bognor’s best known and reputable Burger King restaurants. After a few for the road we were all back at Stalag 14 for an early night in preparation for our first 3 games on the Saturday.

Saturday dawned bright and early with the waft of frying from many a healthy breakfast drifting down Stalag 14 and kids propelling themselves up and down on abandoned luggage trolleys. Not playing until 12.30 it was great to see so many of the U9s take up the chance to go to the swimming pool and enjoying the slides and space bowl. Dropping out of the space bowl was the perfect way to clear any cobwebs from the night before and was hugely enjoyed by the boys. It was then a quick change and off to play some rugby a short distance from the resort itself. Our first day of rugby was not our best and after an opening draw with Havant, which we should have won, we followed this up with a heavy defeat to Braintree and a narrow loss to Chichester. This report is not meant to be a full match report but there were some good tries from Freddie B, fantastic ‘Billy the Wizz’ running from George and the now dependable tackling and bulldog spirit from Sam who led by example. Despite this we returned to Stalag 14 with more questions than answers for the coaching team but with another day of rugby to come and what a day of rugby that was going to turn out to be! It was our intention to get changed but we ended up back at the Sports Bar to watch the Grand National on the big screen. We organised a sweep stake with all of the boys cheering on two horses in the race. After a pulsating race, minus any audible commentary from the screen, it was Eli who not only emerged with the winner but second place as well. Eli was left happy and with a pocket full or change destined for the arcade in the now intense pursuit of those yellow tickets. Now planning on going home to change we instead went to the Beachcomber to meet the U10s and to swap our rugby stories of missed tackles and what might have been while the boys took advantage to explore the free fun fair. It soon become obvious that the magic number was 1.4 – the height for many of the rides. Though no problem for Ben A, Big Ben and Harry Pluck it did leave many of the boys, like us, wishing for a few more inches!

Planning on going home to change, we realised it was nearly 7.30 and time for the club to meet at Papa Johns for our club meal and get together. What followed can only be described as a food frenzy with hungry boys and dads tucking into copious amounts of garlic bread, cheesy bread and pizza from the help yourself an many time as you want buffet followed by as much ice cream as you can eat from the ice cream ‘station’. I was assured by Mark, our team Nutritionist that, Pizza, Cheese, garlic Bread, Pasta and Potatoes did constitute the childrens’ 5 a day. There were reports, as yet unconfirmed, that some also visited the salad bar but this may just have been some of the parents confused by the word ‘bar’ in the title. Fed and watered, with all age groups happily mixed, and now planning to go home and change, our exalted Chairman instead led the boys with a ‘Hi Ho’ to a major surprise and highlight of the tour - live wrestling!! Now we were truly at Butlins! Seated in ‘Reds’ entertainment venue we were royally entertained by some of the most dramatic wrestling ever watched by any Edenbridge minis team. In the first bout the very little and nice guy surprisingly beat the absolutely massive and evil guy. With shouts of ‘you suck’ booming from the boys we awaited the top billing match – a tag team event between Great Britain and wait for it ……….. our nation’s greatest rival and enemy………. yes you’ve guessed it …… Canada. With the U7, U9 and U10s chanting USA USA USA they were whipped up into a hatred for Canada that has not been witnessed on these shores since General Wolf’s death outside the walls of Quebec. Again after being pummelled for most of the contest Britain amazingly won. Now we were definitely going home to change but instead the mention of the word Sports Bar saw us all heading to our favourite hub. Once again we all made ourselves at home with the boys enjoying the ‘not free’ facilities. What now followed can only be described as the establishment of Rob as a tour legend and Edenbridge U9 icon. A parent pool tournament, won convincingly by Hurricane L(H)iggins, will be remembered for Rob’s interesting shot selection. Then followed parent bowling and without doubt the worst bowling performance ever witnessed – sadly Rob was not allowed to use the bumpers and gutter ball followed gutter bowl to the amusement and wonder of us all – 8 bowls secured only 6 pins at one stage of the game! In the end a close contest between the author and Dominic ended in a Welsh victory though Dominic had already left rather than witness the winning pin. We now finally decided that we would go home and change (for bed). But where was Mark? Fleeting visits to the bowling alley with ‘gifts’ soon revealed all and a very happy and giggly Mark even brought his new friend home with him – with him telling us all ‘he’s a legend – he’s a legend’. Thankfully this came to end when Mark fell asleep the minute he had sat down!

Sunday morning came, though with fewer boys racing up and down but still the waft of another healthy fried continental breakfast. With an earlier kick off of 10.30 we headed off to prepare for another 3 games with the U9s 7th out of 7 on day 1. The coaches’ plan was three fold, a late night, no warming up and fixed first half and second team squads with Sam as the inspirational glue holding us together. Before the rugby started we were visited by Mr Billy Butlin himself cunningly disguised as Rob in his figure hugging ‘I Love Butlins’ hoodie and Butlins hat looking every inch a man who had concentrated too much on buying novelty items rather than packing his son’s rugby kit!

Finally we got underway and what followed was a fantastic series of U9 performances that we have all grown to love and watch this year. An opening and convincing win over hosts Bognor was followed by a draw with Kent rivals Aylesford that the boys had in their pocket until the last seconds and the day ended with the most comprehensive beating of Sussex champions Worthing. Two wins and a draw on day 2 and tackling that was amongst the best seen at the tournament. Freddie continued to score tries (ending up tour top try scorer), Sam tackled everything that moved – even ripping the ball clean out of opposition hands (I propose Ripper as Sam’s team nickname), George ‘Billy the Wizz’ Clemson continued his mazy runs but today they were joined by the straight and hard running of Charles, the scrapping on the floor on Ben A, the no nonsense tackling of Eli, the Teflon hands of Joseph, the ‘see a gap go through it’ from Monty (happily not affected by his dads performances the night before or his comedy apparel), the power tackling of Ben W that secured him the prize for ‘best bruises and stud marks of the tour award’ – tossing Worthing lads around as if they were rag dolls (that was a penalty I was happy to take), the bullocking runs from Adam, the superb captaincy of Harry in the crucial final game and the superb spin passing of Henry. A magnificent team effort propelling them to 4th out of 7 and respectability. Almost more importantly they had enjoyed cheering on the U10s and watching the likes of Tom and Liam they are now well up for the rucks and mauls and driving runs required next year.
It was then back to Butlins for a change and to grab some food prior to the big presentation evening. Meeting up in our adopted ‘home’ the Sports Bar with coaches suitability attired in shirts and club ties and Mark looking like a Sixth Former who has just been expelled for not wearing the correct shoes we proceeded to the presentations and a fantastic celebration of everything that is good about rugby and rugby people – the greatest game and the most sociable people on the planet. By now word was slowly spreading through the gathered crowd that our U7s had won their age group though from Raj’s appearance and demeanour this was clearly something that he and his band of supporters had, and were not allowing to get to their heads! With our reverent Chairman looking on the U9s and the coaches took their turn to go up on stage and to receive the applause of the crowd and to get their well-deserved medals. Though they had not won their group (unlike Raj and his U7s) they had shown on day 2 that they could play rugby to a high standard and as well as anyone in the tournament. They also showed they were a team!

The end of the presentations saw a break up in the tour party with those with proper jobs heading off, leaving a smaller but no less committed band behind and determined to do them proud. Emotional farewells followed with a lot of ‘shall I shan’t I oh I better had get home’ going on. Sadly the goodbyes saw the loss of Mr Butlins himself but Rob’s place was soon filled by others who happily stepped forward to assume his mantle. Downhearted with the loss of so many, those few, those happy few who remained made a sudden and dramatic decision that was to change the course of events that night. No longer having the same vibe and without key tour members the Sports Bar and it glittering attractions was abandoned and attracted by red neon, residency taken up in the more up market surroundings of ‘Bar Rosso’ on the other side of the Pavilion, though with its leather seats and fancy wine list it was 100 miles from what we had been accustomed to. With health and safety and the well-being of the children paramount we secured seating with a commanding view of the arcade area. What happened over the next few hours can only be described as surreal and amongst the most entertaining times that this experienced rugby tourist has ever experienced. Not even the great bards of old or even Shakespeare himself could do justice through the written word alone and you may need to rely on gossip, social media or the pictures that Ceri took! We were joined by the U7 coaching and parent teams who finally let us know that they had won the U7 competition and proceeded to really enjoy themselves – really enjoy themselves right up to point at which they had to fall down with the excitement. They then decided to play the ‘find my way home game’, which is always such a great tour favourite. A few glasses of wine later it was time to head back to Stalag 14 for a final night’s sleep and happy dreams of a tour well done. If anyone was disturbed by shouts of ‘hey you guys’, I can confirm categorically and with confidence that this was the coaching staff from Braintree and definitely not Dominic Liggins.

The last morning dawned and final rations of food were collected up and fried for our last breakfast. With everyone determined to make the most of our last day we all headed off to the pool for fun and frolics and to wake ourselves up. The inclement weather prevented too many outdoor activities though the boys managed to get soaked on the astro playing f***ball (sorry to mention the F word). The 2014 Bognor tour finally ended with all remaining kids playing a final game of bowling while Lee taught us how to play darts. With the last bowl bowled we all said a fond farewell – safe in the knowledge that we have already booked it for next year. A quick visit to the sweet shop and toy shop to keep those at home happy we headed off with the domes of the pavilion roof disappearing into the distance.

On behalf of everyone that went on tour and had such a great time – can I extend a massive thank you to John, our saintly Chairman Gareth and Mark for making it all possible and to the boys who were brilliant and so well behaved and finally to the parents who were also brilliant but who were thankfully not so well behaved. We want 2 teams next year so spread the word and tell everyone what a brilliant experience if is for everyone involved. See you all at Bognor next year!